diary of a romantic (who feels hopeless)

the thing I want most in the world sometimes feels like it might never find me.

teachers, doctors, lawyers, mothers, princesses. when most girls are asked what they want to be when they grow up, this is usually what they say.

my mom has always told me that she’s wanted to be a mother since she was a little girl. this isn’t surprising; everything about her aptitude makes her the best person for the job.

as for me? I’ve never quite resonated with that calling in the same way that so many other women do.

ever since I was young — or more precisely, since the first time I read Twilight and fell in love with Edward Cullen at *checks notes* age 8 — I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I wanted to be in love.

in the same way that others dream of being parents, I dream of getting to be a loving girlfriend, wife, partner. to wake up and go to sleep with someone whom my heart adores. to be *officially* best friends for life with somebody!

(disclaimer: not in a “my life is centered around men” kind of way… more like a “I’ve been consuming love stories since I popped out of the womb and it might kill me if I never get my own happy ending” kind of way.)

Mr. Darcy’s famous hand flex, via Pinterest

romance is infused into every part of my being: I have multiple Pinterest boards dedicated to quotes about love, engagement photo ideas, wedding inspiration, and other yearning-related things. (I literally have a Pinterest board called “yearning, etc”.) my eyes linger on couples that I see in public and my heart squeezes when I see how they hold hands and orbit around each other. I regularly fall in love with people I see at the airport, knowing that I’ll never see them again (or is that a universal experience?). I listen to more love songs than anything else. if I’m mindlessly doodling, I’m drawing hearts. if I’m reading a book, it’s a love story. if I’m watching a movie, it’s a rom com.

I am a romantic at heart.

and it aches my heart that I haven’t been in love in years — because it’s the dream I want most in the world, and it often feels like the thing I won’t ever have again.

(just let me be dramatic for a minute!)

let’s do a quick dive into my dating history, for any inquiring minds:

I first fell in love with Harry Styles when I was twelve.

kidding! (kind of.)

looking back, I think I’ve had more crushes than I could ever count or remember, even as a young girl.

it wasn’t until I was sixteen that I fell into my first relationship, with one of my friends who I met through my church. he was a little bit older than me, and things got complicated when he went off to college. we eventually ended our relationship after a little over a year with no bad blood or dramatics. I call him my first boyfriend, but I think my first true love came a little later.

shortly after my first breakup, I ended up falling in love with one of my best friends. we dated for five years. they weren’t a smooth five years — we broke up once or twice during that span of time — but that relationship was the foundation of my life at the time. I was 18 when we first kissed, and I was 23 when we finally broke up over the phone (initiated by me, but it’s not as bad as it sounds, I swear). those were some of the most pivotal years of my life, and that relationship defined a lot of who I was (and even who I am today). this is who I believe my first true love was. we endured a lot of good and bad together. we were actually best friends. we truly believed we would get married one day, and were even dreaming up plans to make that happen. but eventually we just grew up — and grew apart.

(I know it sounds crazy to say, but I’m still friends with him to this day… which is maybe why it’s hard to date now? it’s been three years, and neither of us has ever had to bring another significant other around the friend group — I guess I’ll just cross that bridge when we get there, ‘kay?)

nevertheless, when we went our separate ways, I was entering the summer where I would go live with my best friends in a new state. and thus, I did what any other 20-something would do in my position: I downloaded Hinge.

it’s no use Jo! via Pinterest

to say the absolute least, Hinge was (and still is) a major disappointment. I barely spent any time on it and went on one blind date that summer that ended up being a major flop. and that guy is happily married now, so all’s well!

fast forward a year to when I moved to DC with my other best friend and experienced what it really meant to be a Girl In Your Twenties. I was paying my own rent, setting my own rules, washing my own dishes, and spending my time however I wanted to. I swiftly re-downloaded Hinge with the city at my fingertips, and would spend nights in my bed seeing what baddies my new zip code had to offer me.

turns out, not much. most of my matches led to exchanging little pleasantries via DM, and they always ended up fizzling out (because it seems that men don’t know how to ask questions or show any sign of interest these days).

there was, however, one boy who I matched with and became instantly obsessed with (as is my nature). he was a nursing student, and it turns out he was on the tail end of a mini-residency that was taking place near the city. I remember I gave him my number via Hinge DMs — which is a humiliation ritual, BTW — and waited quite literally days for him to text me. I thought I had been ghosted until his text finally came through (I think it was a Wednesday) and I literally fell to my knees in my kitchen and read the texts to my roommate in a delirium.

an overreaction? definitely. but give me a break, I hadn’t seen any motion in over a year!

we would text back-and-forth for the next couple of months — him occasionally ghosting me because he was a Busy Nursing Student, and me always ending up crushed because we otherwise seemed to be getting along really well. I don’t even know if you could call this a situationship because we never even met in person (I know, I’m soooo the drama)… but I do like to say he was my first situationship. I felt pretty disposable to him, and I guess can really only blame myself for getting attached to a guy who literally doesn’t even live in my city. and believe it or not, he’s about to get married now, too! (I know this because we still follow each other on social media, in true situationship fashion.)

a few months after dealing with that strange dull heartache, I went on my first real date with a guy who I met on Hinge (where else?) and we had possibly one of the best first dates of the modern age. I don’t actually know, because I have nothing to compare it to — but I swear, it was like fireworks.

we had a picnic on the National Mall, watched the sunset, and talked for three hours straight. I asked him questions about his family and he asked me questions about my work. we told each other what our favorite animated movies were. I cackled while he told me a story about a Lime scooter that ended in an arrest. I can still feel the way he squeezed my knee and laughed as we sat a little too close to each other on the Metro.

and when I got home, I sent a ten minute voice memo to my friends describing him. I told them he was a man written by a woman, that he had so many traits I would want in a future husband, how he FaceTimed me when he got home to tell me another story, and when I asked him to tell me another one, he said he wanted to save it for our fourth date — not second, FOURTH.

imagine my absolute shock when I had to be the one to follow up via text a few days later, we had a little convo back and forth for a second, and then I got ghosted. I even double — or triple — texted just to make sure. but no, it was true. I got ghosted by this supposed dream man!

he had told me he was only in the area for a short time and wasn’t ready for anything serious (or so I assume, because he never told me !!!). why do I have a knack for being infatuated with temporary men? gotta unpack that one in therapy.

I took a good long break after that one. I figured it was time to just enjoy my summer, stay single, and enjoy my friendships to the max. I broke the streak and went on a date a few weeks ago, and that one was just okay. he was a perfectly nice guy — just not the guy for me. I guess that’s just part of the deal of dating? I’m still figuring it out.

and that about sums up my entire dating experience. what a thriller it is!

now that you have a glimpse into my limited history, can you see why I feel a little hopeless?

this is my blueprint and I don’t even care if that’s toxic, via Pinterest

I grew up with Twilight as my blueprint (probably my first mistake), reading scenes in which Edward literally watches Bella sleep. I know a lot of people find that detail creepy, but I always thought it was strangely endearing? I think it shows how he protects her and cares for her so deeply that he would be there for her even in her most basic, boring state. this is my blueprint. Edward dared me to dream of someone who’s obsessed with me, because I know I will be obsessed with them back.

while that perspective has matured and changed a bit as I’ve gotten older and witnessed my fair share of actual real-life relationships, I have not changed from the little girl who dreams of being head-over-heels in love.

I’m grateful for the few relationships I’ve had, and I’ve had fun going on the few dates that I have. they all have taught me something that I can take with me going forward: the kind of girlfriend I want to be, the traits I look for in a future partner, mistakes I won’t make (or tolerate) in my next relationship.

it’s just… sometimes it feels like I was meant to be with my soulmate by now, but I’m not, and that rocks me to my core sometimes.

but I have to remind myself that I’m only 26 — which is how old Monica is in season 1 of Friends! and she went on plenty of horrible dates until she finally found her forever in Chandler at the start of season five (when she was, what, 30?). so, I’ve got time!

I guess all I can do at the moment is wish on shooting stars, because I don’t think my fairytale is coming to find me via Hinge.

thanks for letting me embarrassingly pour my heart out. and if you’re reading this, please send help. xo!